Corrine Bertrand (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
amityville_sweetheart) wrote2005-11-08 09:53 am
amityville_sweetheart) wrote2005-11-08 09:53 am
Caw caw bang bang @#$% I'm dead.
Locked entry:
That's... pretty much what it's been like for me recently.
I have never been so exhausted in my life. Why, exactly, do these things happen to me? Am I just a magnet for bad things?
I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo right now. After mama and the house, and then... I still can't really wrap my brain around it. Someone wants me dead, over something I don't even want in the first place. Dark mage, holy mage, does it really matter?
And it seems everytime Caleb goes to bat he comes back this far from death. I'm wondering just how long it's going to be until I get a rather dramatic "We're very sorry..." talk concerning him. I don't want to think about that, but it seems inevitable eventually. And with this apparent hit out on me now, how am I supposed to feel safe?
I know the JSA would back me up, I know I'd be protected, but you can't protect people all the time. How many heroes have died in the line of duty? Too many to count, I'm sure. These days I'm starting to think I didn't really consider what I was signing up for.
Memories are slowly coming back to me from the other night in the medical lab. I can see Caleb's face in my sleep, I can see his broken body, the look on Mid-Nite's face when he started to get readings. I don't ever want to see that again.
There's also the issue to deal with of all my... secrets. I know Caleb's upset with me for keeping things from him, and while there's still parts of me that love papa and can never really bring myself to hate him for the things he did and the way things happened growing up, there's also a part of me that still knows you have to protect yourself. I'm not sure whether it's become a convenient excuse for my actions anymore or if it's a legitimate feeling, and I hate that. I always felt like I was doing what I had to do, but now I feel like maybe I didn't have to.
I hate doubting myself. I hate that his logic is infalliable, and I hate that I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. Life was simple before all of this. There was no explaining anything to anyone, or having to defend myself. I'm always on the defensive anymore, and while Caleb tries to understand, he really, really doesn't. The argument in the study proved that.
And I don't want this stupid mantle. I don't want it. I didn't want the helm when I had it, and I don't want this. I'm tired of having to pick sides, some stupid war I never wanted to be part of anyway. Caleb can say this holy mage thing is true and factual, but to me it sounds like a real nice story.
What did he think I was going to say, honestly? Gee, thanks for telling me. I'll get right on that battling evil thing, God.
I also haven't said much in the way of how this entire prophecy thing affects Caleb and I. Does this mean we were supposed to meet? Made obvious by its omission, it apparently says nothing about where this leaves us. Us being together is supposed to 'redeem' the line, or some stupid crap like that. Great. Thanks. Really. Stuff like this never ends well, for either party.
Have faith, right? It'll all work out in the end, right? I'm tired of that. Faith in this, faith in that, it didn't save Casey's life. Or papa's. Didn't stop mama from turning us all into fruit baskets with her lies and manipulation and abuse. Where was God when I needed him for all that? Wasn't time yet? Oh, so sorry to have asked, should've known better. God's the friend that only has time for you when he wants something, it seems.
One petty, bitter little man changed the entire history of my family. He did something stupid God didn't like, and now we've all suffered? How does that work? Ten shades of original sin, thanks but no thanks, can I have my childhood back now?
I want this bitterness and anger over everything to end. Heaven's champion. Phft. In case you freaks behind the pearly gates haven't noticed, I'm dating a demon. Oh, wait, you designed it that way. So much for my security in something.
Is it in your plans that I walk away from it all? Would you see it coming if I left the JSA, renounced this stupid title and went on about persuing a normal life? Of course, I wouldn't do that. Not because I don't want to, because lemme tell you, to never have to watch him dying again... No, no, it's because at this point they may be the only people who can protect me. And eventually, I'll have to learn how to protect myself if I want to continue this fine parade.
So, really, I'm pretty fucked.
Thanks, God. Thanks a lot.
That's... pretty much what it's been like for me recently.
I have never been so exhausted in my life. Why, exactly, do these things happen to me? Am I just a magnet for bad things?
I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo right now. After mama and the house, and then... I still can't really wrap my brain around it. Someone wants me dead, over something I don't even want in the first place. Dark mage, holy mage, does it really matter?
And it seems everytime Caleb goes to bat he comes back this far from death. I'm wondering just how long it's going to be until I get a rather dramatic "We're very sorry..." talk concerning him. I don't want to think about that, but it seems inevitable eventually. And with this apparent hit out on me now, how am I supposed to feel safe?
I know the JSA would back me up, I know I'd be protected, but you can't protect people all the time. How many heroes have died in the line of duty? Too many to count, I'm sure. These days I'm starting to think I didn't really consider what I was signing up for.
Memories are slowly coming back to me from the other night in the medical lab. I can see Caleb's face in my sleep, I can see his broken body, the look on Mid-Nite's face when he started to get readings. I don't ever want to see that again.
There's also the issue to deal with of all my... secrets. I know Caleb's upset with me for keeping things from him, and while there's still parts of me that love papa and can never really bring myself to hate him for the things he did and the way things happened growing up, there's also a part of me that still knows you have to protect yourself. I'm not sure whether it's become a convenient excuse for my actions anymore or if it's a legitimate feeling, and I hate that. I always felt like I was doing what I had to do, but now I feel like maybe I didn't have to.
I hate doubting myself. I hate that his logic is infalliable, and I hate that I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. Life was simple before all of this. There was no explaining anything to anyone, or having to defend myself. I'm always on the defensive anymore, and while Caleb tries to understand, he really, really doesn't. The argument in the study proved that.
And I don't want this stupid mantle. I don't want it. I didn't want the helm when I had it, and I don't want this. I'm tired of having to pick sides, some stupid war I never wanted to be part of anyway. Caleb can say this holy mage thing is true and factual, but to me it sounds like a real nice story.
What did he think I was going to say, honestly? Gee, thanks for telling me. I'll get right on that battling evil thing, God.
I also haven't said much in the way of how this entire prophecy thing affects Caleb and I. Does this mean we were supposed to meet? Made obvious by its omission, it apparently says nothing about where this leaves us. Us being together is supposed to 'redeem' the line, or some stupid crap like that. Great. Thanks. Really. Stuff like this never ends well, for either party.
Have faith, right? It'll all work out in the end, right? I'm tired of that. Faith in this, faith in that, it didn't save Casey's life. Or papa's. Didn't stop mama from turning us all into fruit baskets with her lies and manipulation and abuse. Where was God when I needed him for all that? Wasn't time yet? Oh, so sorry to have asked, should've known better. God's the friend that only has time for you when he wants something, it seems.
One petty, bitter little man changed the entire history of my family. He did something stupid God didn't like, and now we've all suffered? How does that work? Ten shades of original sin, thanks but no thanks, can I have my childhood back now?
I want this bitterness and anger over everything to end. Heaven's champion. Phft. In case you freaks behind the pearly gates haven't noticed, I'm dating a demon. Oh, wait, you designed it that way. So much for my security in something.
Is it in your plans that I walk away from it all? Would you see it coming if I left the JSA, renounced this stupid title and went on about persuing a normal life? Of course, I wouldn't do that. Not because I don't want to, because lemme tell you, to never have to watch him dying again... No, no, it's because at this point they may be the only people who can protect me. And eventually, I'll have to learn how to protect myself if I want to continue this fine parade.
So, really, I'm pretty fucked.
Thanks, God. Thanks a lot.