Oct. 21st, 2006

mic on

Oct. 21st, 2006 12:25 am
amityville_sweetheart: (Pink Shoes)
I just need to rant at myself a little and this is the best right now, so… I guess, first of all, I finally get it.

Stuff happens— SSDD, right?-- and it just… it never goes where I’m looking, and sometimes it hits me when I’m not looking at all, but I think now it’s not so bad.

The house is gone. There’s a new team forming, Sand’s going to be leading, and Caleb and I had a long talk we needed to have for a while. I know I’m not angry right now, but I guess the best word would be ‘heart sick’. There’s been so much in the past, and everything that just happened and I’m a little dizzy from all of it.

I’m glad we can laugh together again. We don’t hate each other and we know the whole thing was just a screwed up mess. However, that means admitting an entire relationship was just a wound with more salt constantly poured in it. And by the end, you have to amputate and you’ll never, ever get that back. It’s gone. It’ll be okay, but it won’t ever be the same.

My bright side in this whole thing, honestly?

My boyfriend isn’t dead and the house is gone. That one was a little harder to chew, not that it was gone but more the fact that I don’t have to freakin’ worry about it terrorizing me anymore. Caleb thinks we can put it back together, and, I dunno, maybe it’s a good idea. I don’t know how much confidence I have in the bad mojo not just coming back, if we can do it, or even just getting rid of all that crap. What the hell, right? The house is already down, there’s not much more ‘blowing up’ I could do.

I’ve cut the final ties with my family, my house is gone, the snipes are gone with the ex but I get a trade in with cold, hard reality, Enchantress wants Sand and I both dead so I may get to look forward to more pleasant visits again…

And the most on my brain is how I really miss my CD collection right now, because swing or maybe tango sounds nice. ‘Napster’s a pain in my ass’ is at the forefront of my mind. I figure resigned apathy with a healthy dose of ‘It could be worse’ is a good start.

Time to go beat Napster and get my groove on. What is will stay, what will be is unpredictable, and what was is done.

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Corrine Bertrand

October 2009

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